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Deferement of gratification
By Norma Lammont
Deferment of gratification. At the time when my sister and I were growing up inBritain in the 1950s and 1960s deferment of gratification was seen as a good way to raise children. Not that my parents would ever have used such a grandiose phrase. Rather they would have said something like “Children should be given the opportunity to earn things rather than having them handed over on a plate”. And this is how it worked. Except for rare occasions like birthdays and Christmas my sister and I were never given things. We were expected to earn them, either by saving up our allowances or by doing chores for our parents or neighbours. First of all we had to earn our allowance. This was organised on a “fee per job basis”. Every week my mom pinned up a list of chores to be done on the cupboard door and beside each job was the appropriate rate of pay. As we did the chores they were ticked off. The more chores we did, the more we “earned”. My mom always said that this was how it was in the world of work. Most people were paid by the hour or by the piece. So they harder they worked, the more they earned. Obviously if we neglected some chores then our allowance was short that week. So we learned not to neglect our chores, and to do them to the accepted standard. And we had the pleasure of anticipating a full allowance earned at the end of the week. There were also chores we did not get paid for. We were expected to keep our rooms clean and tidy. We also had to run occasional errands if my mom or our elderly neighbour needed anything from the local store. These things we were expected to do as a matter of course. There was little money available in those days, because few women went out to work. In fact it was frowned upon in the circles where I grew up. The man was the breadwinner. As Christmas approached many of the local stores who sold toys, fancy goods or clothes opened what was called a “Christmas club”. This meant that people could have more expensive goods put aside for them and pay off them weekly. The store did not charge interest for this. It was to their advantage to take this extra trouble in order to sell items that people might otherwise have been unable to afford. I can remember seeing a pretty china dolls teaset which I set my heart on one year. It cost three pounds sterling (about $6) which was a great deal of money in those days. My mom said that if I saved up half the money she would put the rest to it as my “big” Christmas present. So we went into the store and I was given a card with my name on it, like a bank account. I was really proud of that card. Each week when I got my allowance I would rush into the store and pay a big part of it into the club. I had the pleasure of seeing the amount I had saved gradually mounting up over the weeks. The week before the holiday my mom and I went into the store and I saw her pay over the remainder. I was handed back the card which now said “Paid in full”. I was so proud. Of course I did not get the teaset right away. It was wrapped and put under the tree with the rest of my presents to open on Christmas morning. When I was older my mom opened a Post Office Savings Account for me, and I learned to save for myself as though it were a real bank account. In my teens I got a part time job in a local store and was then able to save up myself for things I wanted like records and clothes. When I left school I went to work in a government office as a librarian. I had to open a checking account for my salary to be paid into. Few people in those days had checking accounts. And only professional people were paid monthly rather than weekly. I was very proud of that checking account and I was the first person in my family to have one. My childhood had taught me how to save, to budget, and to be responsible with money. When I tell this story to young people now they often give me pitying looks and say “Your parents must have been really strict.” Or “You must have had an awful childhood.” Yes, our parents were strict. But we did not have an “awful” childhood. Instead we learned to work and save for the things we wanted. It taught us self discipline and self reliance. It taught us pride in our achievements. And it taught us that life does not owe anyone anything. Now there is often a feeling among parents that they want their children to have an easier time than they themselves had. Well if you grew up in a poor background without enough to eat or decent clothes to wear then this is understandable. Children need to be properly fed and appropriately dressed. But too often it means that parents go into debt to give their children things, like the latest computer game, or designer clothes. No one needs a computer game or a designer label. These are wants, not needs. And I do believe that giving children everything they want too easily makes them weak and soft and thoughtless. So I am a great believer in children being given the opportunity to earn what they want.
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I totally agree with you. Children should be made to know the worth of earning whatever they enjoy. Most free things are not well appreciated. Moreover, making them earn things prepares them well for early independence. By extension, what I do is give them monthly pocket money, which I allow them to manage the way they like. They are not encouraged to come back for any more money except in exceptional circumstances. This way, they regard the money as earned income, and they are more reasonable in spending it.
I agree with you. I also wasn't raised to believe I had a right to everything my heart desired. I had plenty, but it wasn't a given that just because I wanted it, I got it. Life doesn't work that way. If things aren't earned and every whim is granted then I think kids not only feel entitled but it sets them up for unhappiness. They are dependent upon their every whim being met to be happy...it's not sustainable.
Too bad. that the "me generations" that have been going on in America, don't know enough to follow this intel.
Thank you for sharing, Norma.
Best to you.
Frederick
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This intel was contributed by simitra
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May, 2012
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